Evnissyn

The Cure for Writer's Block!

2008-11-10T03:03:12Z

	442

11

lab.drwicked.com

This is a PHENOMENAL program. If you do it at 'evil' setting, it never lets you stop typing - definitely a cure for writer's block.

My Body Hates Me

2008-11-09T06:22:38Z

First the unexpected clumsiness of last week - bruised one knee and skinned the other - and now a weird rash that looks more like a really strange cross between poison ivy and bug bites than my usualy eczema. What the heck is going on??

okay, me done complaining.

Wiki is Annoying ...

2008-11-01T03:06:42Z

... especially when you're just looking for a simple math formula. Wiki gives you every version of the formula ever known to man and every mathematician and physicist and chemist who ever touched on the formula. And every TV show that ever mentioned it.

-_-;;

Yeah, just wanted to whine and complain ...

Internet Kills Sleep and Fanfiction Kills Grades ...

2008-10-07T03:52:04Z

I really wish our first essay in Expository Writing hadn't been on Harry Potter fanfiction writers... cuz now I can't stop reading HP fics!

And I've been so good in ignoring the existence of HP and the Deathly Hallows ...WHY DID ROWLING HAVE TO DO THAT TO SNAPE???!!!! *cries long and loud* Why couldn't Snape have been evil??? It would have made his life and everyone else's MUCH MUCH easier to bear!!! Sure, it would have been near impossible to kill Voldy then but at least no one would end up feeling dreadfully guilty for misjudging the poor guy!!!

And reading fics only make it worse ... Aren't I pathetic? I'm feeling all torn up because I misjudged someone who doesn't exist outside a book - actually CRYING when I read a fic that features Snape ... and I'm masochistic enough to go hunting down these fics.

"The Final Year" is really really painful to read - excellent writing but ... Snape's POV throughout DH ... it's hard to keep from bawling ...

And although "A Promise Fulfilled" is really short and written before DH came out, the author hit the nail on the head - and I am SO THANKFUL that this wasn't the way it turned out - it would have hurt even more ...

"Ghost of the Past" was about a new ghost in Hogwarts (guess who?) who did all different poltergeist-y things. It's a little better than "The Final Year" and "A Promise Fulfilled", a happier bit of story - Sev got the recognition he deserved and even got to do the good deeds he couldn't do publicly when he was alive.

"I Leave You", in which Snape leaves the Infamous Trio several gifts, was just as good and even Snape's snarkiness survived ... *nostalgic*

In "It's our choices", Snape at least survives DH, but hid away for twenty years and when he rejoins wizarding society, he and Harry become friends. It was heck long, and though Snape did die it was a nicer death than canon - at least everyone loved and respected him for a while first ... I still cried though ...

And "What's in a Name" made me laugh so much ... Little ASP at least got the right idea about the guy he got his middle name from... sorta ...

And all the future gen fics - those are REALLY fun to read, but I avoid anything longer than a oneshot - I don't need to be addicted to Asp or Scorpius on top of Sev.

The Train to Hogwarts features a brand new Infamous Trio - made of Rose, Asp, and Scorpius. Hilarious ...

Rules of Malfoy Manor is even better - I had WAY too much fun reading about how Scorpius managed to bring about such changes in the Malfoys ...

So many other fics ... but I've no more time to waste reading / telling others about fics ...

The Chinese Imperial Examinations ...

2008-09-28T18:06:21Z

... took THREE WHOLE DAYS???!!!!

"By 1370, the examinations lasted between 24 and 72 hours, and were conducted in spare, isolated examination rooms; sometimes, however, it was held within cubicles. The small rooms featured two boards which could be placed together to form a bed, or placed on different levels to serve as a desk and chair."
- wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jinshi

And I though the SAT's took forever ... 5 hours is nothing compared to THREE WHOLE DAYS.

The Slippery Slope of DOOOM

2008-09-27T07:24:13Z

For want of a horseshoe nail

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe, the horse was lost.
For want of a horse, the rider was lost.
For want of a rider, the battle was lost.
For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost.
And all for want of a horseshoe nail.

--George Herbert

That tiny little insignificant detail that directly causes all the rest of your problems, that darned little horseshoe nail ...

Why, oh why, do I not like working on my expos essays? If I liked expos as much as I like chem - which isn't much by the way - I would not be thinking about the deadly slippery slope...

For want of enthusiasm, I avoid my essay.
For want of an essay, I pull an all-nighter.
For want of sleep, I oversleep.
For want of sense (who in their right mind thinks that they can wake up after only thirty minutes of sleep when they had no sleep the night before ....), I miss class/work.
<Repeat once a week.>

Or a not-as-well-polished variation:

For want of enthusiasm, I avoid my essay.
For want of an essay, guilt trip.
For to appease my guilt, I avoid all my other homework (so I can try to force myself to write the damn essay ...)
And for want of enthusiasm, I avoid my essay AND all my other homework.
Thus, because I do not like writing expos essays, I am behind in ALL of my homework.

Slippery Slope of DOOOM, here I come ... -_-;;

Drabble of the Day, 09/21

2008-09-22T04:34:11Z

Very unedited, seeing as I'm about to fall asleep. I'll probably rewrite it later so it'll actually be coherent. Good luck understanding it ...

Title: F is for Falter ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi, Seimei, and the OC from "F is for Friend ..."
Word Count: 269
Rating: E
Disclaimer: Loveless and its various characters belong to Yun Kouga, not me.
Warnings/Spoilers: none
Summary: There's something off about the other fighter unit, but Soubi just can't figure out what ...

He did not recognize the fighter who faced him, not at first. He saw how she reacted when she saw him, her face paling until she was white as a sheet. He noted that she was so badly shocked that her Sacrifice had to order her twice to declare battle before she was startled out of her trance. He wondered vaguely why she had to swallow twice before speaking: "I declare a battle by word spell!" He wondered, but he did not dwell on it - many fighters had hesitated in attacking him, as he was known as the best fighter ever.

She might have hesitated in obeying her Sacrifice, but he did not. Seimei barely had to voice an approval, before he spoke the second half of the ritual that began a spell battle: "I accept!"

When the other fighter attacked with "blades of lightning," and "daggers of light," he raised a hand to erect a barrier, "an unbreakable shield of mirrored glass," he saw for a moment, the way her spells faltered as they darted toward him, and he grinned - this battle would be easy to wrap up.

His "shards of ice" fought against her "shields of flame," until her Sacrifice was bound, and she was ready to collapse.

"Crush them," Seimei said, approval and anticipation of victory ringing in his voice.

He raised a hand to cast the final, obliterating spell, when she looked up at him through a curtain of dark hair and said, "You've gotten better at words, Soubi-san." And suddenly he remembered, and suddenly he didn't know what words to use anymore.

Drabble of the Day, Day 18 (or Day 4 ...)

2008-09-19T03:49:37Z

... Yeah, I'm well known for the good intentions that start commitments, but not for the perseverance that gets most people through such commitments.

Anyway, I have a new drabble!

Title: F is for Friend ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi and an OC
Word Count: 278
Rating: E
Disclaimer: Loveless and its various characters belong to Yun Kouga, not me.
Warnings/Spoilers: none
Summary: Lunch was always a boring affair - until the new girl chose to sit at Soubi's table

"Hi," said a voice from beside him. "Can I sit here?"

For a moment, he ignored the voice, convinced that the girl must be talking to the lunch table behind him, because nobody talked to him, not since Ritsu-sensei had isolated him from his peers. But then the girl kicked him in the shin. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

Startled, he looked up, eyes wide with shock. None of the other students had touched him or spoken to him in so long that he had begun to fancy that he was invisible. "Y-yes?" he stammered, bewildered.

"I'm sitting here, hope that's alright with you," the girl said as she placed her tray on the table across from him and slid into the seat.

"Sure ..." he answered.

"Good," she said as she dug into her sandwich, "'Cuz I'm too lazy to get up and find another place to sit." She chewed for a bit, swallowed and said, "I'm Satsuki, by the way. What's your name?"

It took him several seconds to realize what the girl had said. Still staring wide-eyed at her, he answered, "Soubi. Agatsuma Soubi."

"Well, Soubi-san, I'll be sitting with you from now on, so try to keep up. A one-sided conversation is pretty boring."

He nodded slowly. "Okay," he said. He took a deep breath, trying to order his mind. What did normal students talk about? "How was your day so far?"

The girl smiled. The two of them talked until the end of the lunch period.

The next day, he sat in the cafeteria for two full hours, waiting for the girl to show up. She never came and he never saw her again.

---

And because that ending was way too angsty, this is an ALTERNATE ENDING:

True to her word, the girl returned to the table day after day, until the end of the year, when their lunch schedules no longer coincided.

The ABC's of Soubi's Life, Chapter A (edited)

2008-09-04T20:58:10Z

Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi-centric. Side characters include Ritsu-sensei, Ritsuka, Seimei, Breathless (Midori and Ai), and Soubi's mom.
Rating: E
Disclaimer: Loveless is not mine.
Warnings: Well ... there are no real worrisome scenes in here so ...
Spoilers: If you haven't read book 7, then beware of shining threads of fate.
Summary: Poor Soubi feels very out of place.
Other Notes: In the bits of the story in bold, Soubi is helping Ritsuka with his English homework. And I have a tendency to use Sentouki and Fighter interchangeably.

- - - - -

“‘A’ is for A-pu-ru. ‘A’ is for A-ni-ma-ru. And ‘A’ is for A-ru-fa-be-to. Did I say that right, Soubi?”

“Apple, Animal, Alphabet. Very good.”

“I need three more ... Soubi, can you think of any other English words that begin with ‘A’?”

- - - - -

A is for Aberration …

He huddled and cried in the closet of his room, arms hugging his knees to his chest. He had been trained not to cry out, not to show the least weakness, not to let the tears slip from his eyes.

But today ….

He could not hold in the tears, today.

Today, he’d discovered that the name that had been slowly appearing on the inside of his wrist, the name that would have become his true name – that name had vanished without a trace, before he had even figured out what it would have been. Today, he’d found that the shining string of fate he could just barely begin to see, the shining string that tied him to his Sacrifice – that string had been severed, before he had even found out who had been on the other end.

Among all the Sentouki students at Gora, he was the only one who had no Name and no Sacrifice.

“I am an extra,” he whispered. “I will never have a partner.”

And he wept because the Master that he may have in the future would never be as good as the Sacrifice he should have had.

- - - - -

A is for Arrival …

When he came to Gora, he was a bit nervous, but as trusting as any child that nothing bad would really happen. Not as long as he clutched his mother’s hand in his. She would protect him from anything that would hurt him.

He’d hesitated when they got out of the car, but his mother’s whispered words – “It’ll be alright” – saw him all the way to the door. A gentle squeeze and a slight tug from the hand he clutched in both his own saw him over the threshold and all the way to the registrar’s desk. He clutched obstinately to his mother’s hand for the few moments it took to read and sign a few documents. He blinked owlishly at his surroundings, interested, but not daring enough to leave his mother, to let go of his mother’s hand.

When a stranger walked up to him and held out a hand to lead him away, he clutched even tighter to his mother. “I don’t want to.”

His mother crouched down beside him, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him, “You are to be a Fighter. If you stay here and learn, you will be the greatest Fighter ever. And I will be very proud of you.”

Those words, the hug and kiss – they had seen him through seven years of training.

But now she was gone and his heart was dead and he had no reason anymore to continue his training.

- - - - -

A is for Aoyagi …

He sat on a round metal stool, his body bent forward slightly, his eyes on the ground. One leg kicked slowly through the air, and the fingers of one hand danced restlessly up and down his other arm between elbow and shoulder.

Ritsu-sensei did not like it when he fidgeted like that, but Ritsu-sensei had been called to the next room only a moment ago, and he took the chance to let all his nervousness out now. He could hear Ritsu-sensei’s voice from the next room, talking softly, and the anger he sensed in Ritsu-sensei’s voice made him even more nervous, because Ritsu-sensei sometimes took his frustrations out on him.

He had to still his body a moment later, because Ritsu-sensei strode into the room, followed by a tall boy who must have been only fourteen or fifteen, at least three years younger than him.

“Soubi-kun,” Ritsu-sensei said impassively, then gestured at the boy. “This is Aoyagi Seimei.”

He smiled politely at the boy, “Hello,” he said softly.

“Seimei,” Risu-sensei said, turning to the boy. “This is Agatsuma Soubi.”

The boy’s cold gaze flickered over him, scrutinizing him from head to toe. After a moment, the boy nodded sharply. “Yes,” the boy said. “He will do.”

Ritsu-sensei nodded too. “Soubi-kun. Aoyagi-san will be your Master from now on.”

His head jerked up. His veins were on fire. “A Master?” he whispered. He felt his heart flutter wildly with hope. It was not a patch on having a Sacrifice, a true partner, but it was much closer than he ever thought he’d get.

Ritsu-sensei’s eyes gleamed. “Yes.”

“Come,” said Aoyagi with an imperial gesture.

As he slid off the stool and followed his new Master through the door, he felt his heart relax. He was like everyone else now, or as close as he’d ever get. He had someone to fight for, someone to obey. He was no longer so different from everyone else.

- - - - -

A is for Ability …

“I declare a battle by wordspell!”

“I accept!”

It was the first time he felt whole, the first time since longer than he could remember that he could not feel the immense weight of “there-is-nothing-right-about-me” crushing him, the first time he did not feel inadequate in some way or another.

“Fighter Systems engage!”

He was where he belonged, standing before his Master, facing down another Fighter, a Fighter who stood before another Sacrifice. It was the first time.

“Crush them.”

He savored the sound of his Master’s voice, and did not hesitate to obey. He attacked their opponents exactly as the principal had taught him, destroying them emotionally, physically, psychologically with his wordspells.

When the battle ended, their opponents – they had been the best still in school – huddled on the ground, half-dead with exhaustion. Beloved had won.

A firm hand was placed on his very-slightly-trembling shoulder.

“Let’s go, Soubi.”

He turned to follow his master, leaving on the floor the first Fighter-and-Sacrifice team – the first of many – who lost to the legendary team of Beloved.

- - - - -

A is for Automatic …

“A fighter can never serve two masters!” The girl’s accusatory voice sliced through the air with the raw power of an emotional Sentouki. “I won’t allow it!”

He barely spared her a glance, reaching instead for Ritsuka – poor, poor little Ritsuka who was staring around with large frantic confused eyes. Ritsuka was more important – Ritsuka was the one Seimei had said would be his next Master. As for the girl Sentouki, she hardly worth the worry, she was still in school. Power for power, word for word, skill for skill, he would defeat her every time.

“Look!” The boy’s voice, slightly disgusted, had the undertone of steel inherent in the commands of a Sacrifice. “Look at what he’s doing!”

But it was never pure skill versus pure skill in a spell battle, never one Sentouki versus another, he thought as he gently folded his arms around Ritsuka. Strength, will, purpose – all these were necessary to victory and not one came from the Sentouki.

“Midori, let me fight!” The voice of the girl Sentouki, pitched with eagerness and anger. “He has no shred of pride!”

Of course he had no pride. Just as he did not have strength or will or purpose. Those came from the Sacrifice. As a Sentouki, he was just a tool and Seimei, his Master, the one who knew how to use him, was not here.

“We’ll fight,” the boy Sacrifice said decisively.

That girl Sentouki did not understand how lucky she was. With just those two words, her Sacrifice had given her a purpose in battle and indicated his willingness to lend her his strength.

Ritsuka could not do this for him. Ritsuka knew nothing about what was happening, wasn’t prepared to take the burden of being his strength, his will, his purpose.

“I declare a battle by wordspell,” he said, forbidding his body to shake even as his heart trembled. There was no one to direct him toward victory now, no one to borrow strength from when he felt himself running low. He would be entering a battle on his own.

“Begin Automatic Mode.”

That girl was lucky. Her Sacrifice was there when she needed him. Where was Seimei when he needed his Master?

- - - - -

“Let's see ... ‘A’ is for Age, and Absent, and Abandoned.”

“‘A-ban-don-do’?”

“Abandoned means something … or someone … that’s been left behind.”

“Okay. Let me just write this down .... Can you help me with ‘B’, next?”

The ABC's of Soubi's Life, Chapter E

2008-09-04T14:31:53Z

I don't think this would count as part of my a-drabble-a-day challenge, since practically all of this was written in the last few days. All I did today was edit it and put it together ...

Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi-centric. Side characters include Ritsuka, Seimei, and Ritsu-sensei.
Word Count: 1183
Rating: PG for innuendos
Disclaimer: Loveless is copyrighted by Yun Kouga, Tokyopop, whoever, it's not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: A minor volume 6 inkling of a spoiler.
Summary: Soubi loves Ritsuka, but he knows that Ritsuka does not, cannot return his love. Not yet, at any rate.
Other Notes: Soubi's helping Ritsuka with English homework in the bits of story in bold.

- - - - -

"'Egg' and 'Easy' and 'Elephant' all begin with 'E'."

"I know that, Soubi! But everyone will have simple words like that. I'm trying to find more interesting words."

"Well, let's see ... 'English' begins with 'E'. And 'Enemy' and 'Empty' and ..."

- - - - -

E is for Empty ...

He tripped over the curb when he didn't lift his feet high enough. He stumbled a bit, regained his balance, and walked as steadily as he could down the sidewalk. He meandered through the streets of Tokyo for hours, searching for ... trying to find ...

Sometime long after the sun had set, he found himself standing before the door to a pub he went to for the occasional drink. He blinked at the door, pulled it open and staggered in. He dragged his heels to the bar, slumped onto a stool, and asked for a glass of vodka. When the glass came, he downed it all in one long swallow, and called the bartender back for more.

He drank and drank and drank and drank, but no amount of liquor could filled the emptiness in the pit of his stomach, the chasm that had opened within him when the news came that Seimei was dead.

- - - - -

E is for Expectations ...

Seimei had shown him a picture of Ritsuka once, so he knew that Ritsuka looked almost exactly like Seimei. Somehow, he never thought to question his assumption that Ritsuka would not only look like Seimei, but also act like Seimei, be just as sophisticated and strong and harsh as Seimei had been.

He spent day after day staking out one elementary school after another, searching out every boy with short black hair, a solemn expression, a steady gait, and an aversion to walking with others. Day after day, he was disappointed, for none of the hundreds of boys who matched this description responded when he called Ritsuka's name. By the time he came to the last elementary school in Tokyo, he was already sure that he would never find Ritsuka.

But then, just when he was about to give up, he heard it. "Ritsuka-kun! Wait!"

He turned, saw the small, black-haired boy tearing out of the school building, and he reached out and grabbed the boy without thinking, without even really believing that this boy would be Ritsuka. The boy couldn't be Ritsuka - Seimei's brother would never run like that, would never allow himself to be caught so easily. But he grabbed the boy by the arm anyway, and it wasn't until the boy turned to look up at him that he realized - this boy with tears flooding his eyes, with anguish written across his face, who ran so inelegantly and clumsily, this boy who was so unlike Seimei in this moment - this was Ritsuka. This was Seimei's brother.

- - - - -

E is for Eyes ...

The moment he looked into Ritsuka's eyes, he knew they were dangerous. That wasn't so surprising - he was used to looking into dangerous eyes. Ritsu-sensei's eyes had been dangerous - they glinted with a frozen calm that existed side-by-side with a detached eagerness to dissect that which they looked at and see how it worked. And Seimei's eyes had been dangerous too - they were distant, cold, calculating, searching for fault, looking for mistakes, showing no interest in what they looked at except to assign a value and, if the value was not high enough, toss it aside and never look at it again.

But Ritsuka's eyes ... they were dangerous in a completely different way. Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes had always gazed on him from a distance, as if they were looking at him through a microscope. Ritsuka's eyes were immediate and mercurial, changing from moment to moment. That was something else different - Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes had never changed, always maintaining that icy distance. Ritsuka's eyes sometimes grew distant, and sometimes grew cold, but they always returned and they always warmed again. They even sometimes grew hard and angry but the heat in them then was unlike anything he'd seen in Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes.

And when Ritsuka's eyes yearned, the way they so often did when Ritsuka was confused and desperate, he could stare into them and fall into them and lose his soul in them forever.

- - - - -

E is for Embrace ...

"I wish you would take me." He had been asking for what he really wanted, what he needed, what he could not live without. He wanted to feel Ritsuka's hands on his skin, he needed to feel Ritsuka's mark on his body, to know without a doubt that Ritsuka would never leave him. He'd thought before that the bond that Seimei had placed on his skin was enough to hold him to Seimei forever. But Seimei had broken that bond without thought - Seimei had replaced him. So now he clung to Ritsuka, clung to only one still tied to him now, and frantically asked for the only thing he could think of that would chain him to Ritsuka forever. "Please ... Take me ..."

"Stupid Soubi! If that was all, I'll do it whenever you want!" And he felt Ritsuka's arms loop around his waist, all the feeble strength of the boy's small body channeled into the hug.

For a moment, he was in shock. This was not what he had asked Ritsuka for, but then, how could he expect Ritsuka to understand what he wanted when he said 'take me'? Ritsuka was only a boy ... For a moment, he despaired - if Ritsuka could not understand what he said, then how could Ritsuka tie a bond to him? If Ritsuka did not bind him, then how could he be sure Ritsuka would keep him and not throw him aside, like Seimei had done?

"Ritsuka, please ... someday, take me." Take me, Ritsuka. Don't leave me behind, don't toss me aside. I cannot live without you.

- - - - -

"Soubi? Are you okay, Soubi?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You looked like you were about to cry ..."

"... You know, another word that starts with 'E' is 'Everything'."

"'E-vu-ri-sin'?"

"Yes... you mean everything to me, Ritsuka ..."

"... Whatever ...."

Drabble of the Day, Day 3

2008-09-04T05:55:19Z

Okay, yeah, it's past midnight, but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it still counts as day three. And since I typed this just now and I'm about to fall asleep on the keyboard, it's not really edited.

Title: E is for Embrace ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi, Ritsuka
Word Count: 329
Rating: PG due to implied innuendoes
Disclaimer: Loveless is copyrighted by Yun Kouga, Tokyopop, whoever, it's not me.
Warnings/Spoilers: The scene involved is from Volume 6 so ... a few tiny spoilers.
Summary: A traumatized Soubi begs Ritsuka for something, but what he gets surprises him greatly. (Vagueness is to avoid the spoiler ...)

"I wish you would take me." He had been asking for what he really wanted, what he needed, what he could not live without. He wanted to feel Ritsuka's hands on his skin, he needed to feel Ritsuka's mark on his body, to know without a doubt that Ritsuka would never leave him. He'd thought before that the bond that Seimei had placed on his skin was enough to hold him to Seimei forever. But Seimei had broken that bond without thought - Seimei had replaced him. So now he clung to Ritsuka, clung to only one still tied to him now, and frantically asked for the only thing he could think of that would chain him to Ritsuka forever. "Please ... Take me ..."

"Stupid Soubi! If that was all, I'll do it whenever you want!" And he felt Ritsuka's arms loop around his waist, all the feeble strength of the boy's small body channeled into the hug.

For a moment, he was in shock. This was not what he had asked Ritsuka for, but then, how could he expect Ritsuka to understand what he wanted when he said 'take me'? For a moment, he despaired - if Ritsuka could not understand what he said, then how could Ritsuka tie a bond to him? If Ritsuka did not bind him, then how could he be sure Ritsuka would keep him and not throw him aside, like Seimei had done?

Then he noticed how Ritsuka had buried his face into his shirt, how Ritsuka was clinging so hard that he was supporting more of Ritsuka's weight than Ritsuka himself was. Ritsuka did care, he realized then. Ritsuka cared more than Seimei or Ritsu-sensei ever had. And Ritsuka was willing to give him all that the boy could give. That was what the embrace really was - the only thing Ritsuka could give him now.

Until Ritsuka understood what he wanted, what he asked for, it would have to be enough.

2nd Drabble of the Day, Day 2

2008-09-03T01:41:47Z

Written while procrastinating studying ... This one is edited, so it should be good.

Title: E is for Eyes ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi, Ritsuka
Word Count: 281
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Loveless is copyrighted by Yun Kouga, Tokyopop, whoever, it's not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Summary: Seimei's eyes and Ritsu-sensei's eyes had been dangerous. But Ritsuka's eyes held more danger than the two of them combined.

The moment he looked into Ritsuka's eyes, he knew they were dangerous. That wasn't so surprising - he was used to looking into dangerous eyes. Ritsu-sensei's eyes had been dangerous - they glinted with a frozen calm that existed side-by-side with an detached eagerness to dissect that which they looked at and see how it worked. And Seimei's eyes had been dangerous too - they were distant, cold, calculating, searching for fault, looking for mistakes, showing no interest in what they looked at except to assign a value and, if the value was not high enough, toss it aside and never look at it again.

But Ritsuka's eyes ... they were dangerous in a completely different way. Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes had always gazed on him from a distance, as if they were looking at him through a microscope. Ritsuka's eyes were immediate and mercurial, changing from moment to moment. That was something else different - Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes had never changed, always maintaining that icy distance. Ritsuka's eyes sometimes grew distant, and sometimes grew cold, but they always returned and they always warmed again. They even sometimes grew hard and angry but the heat in them then was unlike anything he'd seen in Seimei's and Ritsu-sensei's eyes.

And when Ritsuka's eyes yearned, the way they so often did when Ritsuka was confused and desperate, he could stare into them and fall into them and lose his soul in them forever.

And that was the real danger in Ritsuka's eyes, infinitely greater than the danger in Seimei's or Ritsu-sensei's eyes: the danger of falling in love with Ritsuka, when he had promised Ritsuka that he would do no such thing.

Writer's Block: Your Username

2008-09-03T00:20:12Z

Why did you choose your user name? Is there any special meaning or story behind it?

Submitted By lilbananapie

View 502 Answers

Not very exciting. I skimmed through the Irish names list on 20000-names.com and found 'Evnissyen' particularly interesting. I changed the spelling a little and now I use it everywhere. Google 'Evnissyn' and practically everything that shows up is me.

Drabble of the Day, Day 2

2008-09-02T21:56:05Z

It's not edited so don't expect much quality from this ...

Title: E is for Expectations ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi, Ritsuka
Word Count: 237
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Loveless is copyrighted by Yun Kouga, Tokyopop, whoever, it's not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Summary: When Soubi looked for Ritsuka on that first day, he expected to find someone exactly like Seimei.

He had seen a picture of Ritsuka before, shown to him by Seimei. He knew that Ritsuka looked a lot like Seimei, almost an exact copy. So he expected Ritsuka to be exactly like Seimei, just as sophisticated, just as strong, just as solemnly quiet.

So he stood at the entrance of the school, and searched out every boy with short black hair and a solemn expression, walking calmly, surrounded by chattering people. There were a dozen such boys, but none of them reacted when he called Ritsuka's name.

And then, just when he thought that he was at the wrong school, that he would have to go search for another elementary school and stake out there, he heard it. "Ritsuka-kun! Wait!"

He turned, saw the small, black-haired boy tearing out of the building, and he reached out and grabbed the boy without thinking, without even really believing that this boy would be Ritsuka. The boy couldn't be Ritsuka - Seimei's brother would never run like that, would never allow himself to be caught so easily. But he grabbed the boy by the arm anyway, and it wasn't until the boy turned to look up at him that he realized - this boy with tears flooding his eyes, with anguish written across his face, who ran so inelegantly and clumsily, this boy who was so unlike Seimei in this moment, this was Ritsuka. This was Seimei's brother.

Drabble of the Day, Day 1

2008-09-02T12:42:52Z

This was yesterday's oneshot.

Title: E is for Empty ...
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Soubi
Word Count: 216
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Loveless is copyrighted by Yun Kouga, Tokyopop, whoever, it's not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Summary: Soubi is lost and empty and directionless.

He stepped out of the college building, eyes dull and unseeing. He walked into the street, looking neither left nor right, disregarding the angry beeping of three car horns, ignoring Kio's shout of warning behind him. He saw and heard nothing, aware only of the need to hold on ... the desire to find ... he had to find ...

He tripped over the curb when he didn't lift his feet high enough. He stumbled a bit, regained his balance, and walked as steadily as he could down the sidewalk. He meandered through the streets of Tokyo for hours, searching ... trying to find ...

Sometime long after the sun had set, he found himself standing before the door to a pub he went to for the occasional drink. He blinked at the door, pulled it open and staggered in. He dragged his heels to the bar, slumped into a stool, and asked for a glass of vodka. When the glass came, he downed it all in one long swallow, and called the bartender back for more.

He drank and drank and drank and drank, but no amount of liquor could filled the emptiness in the pit of his stomach, the chasm that had opened within his chest when the news came that Seimei was dead.

College + Writing Challenges = ?

2008-09-02T04:06:03Z

So college classes begin tomorrow. 16 credits by the end of the semester, with a B average minimum in every class. This will be ... fun. And a work-study job that I might or might not be doing. Who knows? Whatever happens, this year will be interesting.

And to make it just a little more interesting, I've dared myself to write fiction every single day of college. :)

September challenge: one drabble/oneshot per day. As long or short as I want, so long as I write at least one WHOLE oneshot each day. Not necessarily edited or even coherent, just so long as it is finished.

October challenge: ... No idea exactly what. It will have to do with planning and maybe a little outlining for NaNo, of course. Maybe blurbs about each character and/or place and/or event.

November challenge: National Novel Writing Month, of course! At least 1667 words per day.

December challenge: National Novel Continuing Month, since I KNOW I will not finish the NaNovel. But probably at maybe 667 words a day, since Finals are in December.

Okay, Benadryl's finally kicking in. Bedtime for me. Bye!

Fireworks!!!!

2008-07-04T03:27:23Z

Brookdale Park has the BEST fireworks!!! (Or maybe I'm biased. Which do you think it is? :) )

So many kinds of fireworks ... And I was crazy enough to make up names for the ones I saw!

Bursts: The normal kind that go boom (or rather, crack) and take up half the sky if you're standing as close as I was.
Weeping Willow: They're normal Bursts that last a long time and drop for a while, drawing lines that make it look like a weeping willow tree.
Multi-Burst: They're like normal Bursts except that several of the expoded bits explode a second time.
Rainshower: Like a Multi-Burst except that the second explosions are softer and sounds more like a shower of rain than a crack of thunder.
Ring-Burst: It's basically a normal Burst of a white or gold, with a ring of color.
Triple-Ring Burst: Three parallel rings of red, blue-violet, and green.
Loud-Burst: They're really small Bursts - always white/gold - and are loud enough that the sound of one Loud-Burst. is as loud as 4 of any other kind of Burst.
And a new one that I don't remember seeing before:
Cloud-Shower: It's a normal burst for all of .2 seconds, but then the stars don't move outward, they fall down together in a crowd. And they fall for a very long way before they burn up.

Those were all the high altitude ones. The low altitude ones I didn't get to see clearly - there was a long line of trees in the way. But I managed to spot a few.
Shooters: The ones that look like a classic shooting star, except, of course that they're going up instead of down. Gold usually.
Star Shooter: A Shooter that bursts in four directions at its peak. These have all different colors.
Fountains: Similar to a Star Shooter, except they all 'fountain' upward and outward. Always gold.
And a special new one:
Dragons / Spirals (still debating which name): These shooters do a little spiral-y twisty thing on the way up. Gold always.

Well, now that I've scared you all with my craziness in NAMING the fireworks, I'll go to bed now.

Music + Writing = XDDD

2008-07-02T03:23:23Z

MUSIC ...

Pandora is AWESOME. It's a new kind of radio, one that only plays songs you like :D First you pick a song or an artist and then Pandora plays various songs that are similar to the 'seed' song / artist you picked. And you can edit each of your personal stations to include more than one 'seed'.

I'm addicted to it now. Pandora rocks!! XD

... plus WRITING ...

Epiphany: There are more writing events like National Novel Writing Month!

And one of them is JulNo!!! (JulNo is short for JulNoWriMo is short for July NoWriMo (me lazy to type out whole thing -_-)) 50k words in July - except that since it's summer vacation, I think I'll try for 100k. So now I'm on a writing-a-novel high! XDDD

... equals CRAZY!!!! XDDD

I've completely lost my marbles, can't you tell? :D

Ok, back to my novel ...

hey lookie! I'm a Vampire ... sorta

2008-06-17T19:47:21Z

Vampire Quiz by QuizRocket.com Funny Quizzes!
MySpace Quizzes | Love Quiz | Online Quizes.

Writer's Block: Last Twenty Bucks

2008-02-20T07:32:10Z

List three things you'd buy with your last $20. One practical, one frivolous and one of your choosing.

View 500 Answers

The ABC's of Soubi's Life

2008-02-13T22:27:03Z

(I'm posting this in the hopes that I'll actually get through most of the idea before my absent-minded muse wanders off onto another topic.)

Fandom: Loveless
Characters: This thing is Soubi-centric so ... Soubi, with Ritsuka, Seimei, Ritsu-sensei and various other side characters
Rating: varies, but will mostly stay somewhere between E and PG-13
Warnings: Loveless is a shonen-ai series. If you've read it or watched it, you'll have some inkling of what kind of stuff the fandom will have.
Spoilers: I have the English manga, volumes 1 to 7. I consult wikipedia often (and wiki is often updated by Japanese readers, so info there might go all the way up to ... what, volume 8? 10? Whatever's out in japanese at any rate).
Summary: An introspective piece on Soubi that grew way beyond my control, into this crazy thing.
Disclaimer: Loveless is not mine

Chapter A
Chapter B
Chapter C
Chapter D
Chapter E
Chapter F
Chapter G
Chapter H
Chapter I
Chapter J
Chapter K
Chapter L
Chapter M
Chapter N
Chapter O
Chapter P
Chapter Q
Chapter R
Chapter S
Chapter T
Chapter U
Chapter V
Chapter W
Chapter X
Chapter Y
Chapter Z

DNAngel Story#8: Darkest Fear and Deepest Despair (Part 2)

2007-09-20T20:54:11Z

This is in two parts because livejournal apparently has something against entries with 5000+ words.

Title: Darkest Fear and Deepest Despair (Part 2)
Fandom: DNAngel
Characters: Krad, Dark, Daiki, OC
Prompt: 098: Vulnerable
Word Count: 5241
Rating: PG
Warnings / Spoilers: OOC. (I shouldn’t really have to say this any more, should I? You guys already know that. ^_^)
Summary: What happens between incarnations? Do Dark and Krad meet in that Darkness beyond life and before death? Do they do battle or do they keep all of that here in this world?

(PART 1)

Dark stands in the Darkness. He stands alone, still and silent, eyes shut, head bowed, hands clenched. This is a dream, he tells himself. This is a dream.

I am not back in the Abyss, the Void. I cannot be.

Plink. The sound of a drop of some liquid hitting a smooth surface.

He promised to keep me with him.

Plink. Plink. The silence of the Darkness swallows the sound – there are no echoes.

He said he would try to find some way of keeping me in the real world.

Plink.

He promised.

Plink. Plink-plink.

“Why are you crying?” says the Darkness.

Dark flinches at the sound. He shrinks backward, away from the voice. His arms fly up to protect his head from a blow. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut.

“Dark?” whispers the Darkness.

Go away.

This is a dream.

Let me be.

Something touches Dark’s left hand. Dark jerks back.

“Please, Dark,” murmurs the Void. “Let me help you.”

Dark’s hands cover his ears. I cannot hear you.

Leave me alone.

Something brushes across Dark’s cheek.

Dark screams, in pain or agony or fear or anger or some combination of them all. And, screaming, eyes still shut, ears still covered, he turns away from the voice and flees.

– – – – –

There he is! The Other!

He is so excited to see the Other, so happy, so joyous!

But he does not forget to walk slowly toward the Other, to not charge and leap and laugh. He walks slowly and surely, step by eager trembling step.

Plink.

He recognizes the sound. The sound of a teardrop falling to the ground. The Other is crying.

“Why are you crying?” Why? The Other is here now. Here with me. Why does the Other cry at this?

The Other flinches, the way he always does. Arms fly upward to hide his head.

“Dark?”

The Other shrinks in on himself, his arms raised higher above his head, as if to ward off a blow. But why? I would never hurt you.

He reaches out with trembling fingers to touch the Other’s closed fists, to move them out of the way so he could see the Other’s face.

The Other jerks away, stumbles back a step.

“Please, Dark. Let me help you.”

The Other flinches again. Fists fly apart to cover his ears with open palms.

So much pain on that face. So much fear and despair. How do I brush it away?

A memory surfaces. A memory of lips touching flesh, warm breath behind the ear, tongue rasping over throat.

Slowly, uncertainly, he leans forward toward the Other and lets his lips brush across the Other’s cheek.

The Other shudders, then screams.

He leaps backward, just in time to avoid being hit on the head with an elbow as the Other turns and runs away, eyes still shut, ears still covered.

He is left standing where the Other first stood, standing in the beginnings of a small puddle of tears. He stands there and adds his own tears to those left behind by the Other.

– – – – –

Dark runs as fast as he can. As far as he can. His feet pound on what might have been a paved sidewalk, or a grassy field, or a marble floor, but was none of these. The ground, Dark knows, is nothing. The air he breathes is nothing. The world around him at this moment is nothing.

A dream of nothing. It is a dream. I am dreaming. And I will wake up soon.

Dark stumbles. He trips on nothing and falls to his knees. He scrabbles to his feet and keeps on running.

– – – – –

The sound of the Other’s running steps grow fainter and fainter as the Other flees from him.

He tells himself that the Other always flees from him at first, always, without fail. He tells himself this, and says to himself that it does not distress him.

It doesn’t hurt him.

It doesn’t.

It really doesn’t.

… It does hurt me. It hurts. It really hurts that my only companion flees from me.

He feels his heart shudder and his breath came raggedly. A pain clutches at his chest. A burning pain, like he cannot get enough air. It hurts …

He clenches his hands into fists and he blinks away the tears that gather at the corners of his eyes. But the Other is still my only friend, my only companion.

He looks in the direction the Other had fled in. The Other is my companion.

He looks and picks up his right foot to take the first step to follow sound of the Other’s footsteps. I must find him and when I find him, I will erase that pain and agony. I will erase that fear and despair and we will both be happy.

We will wander this Darkness together and we will be happy because we are together.

– – – – –

Run.

Run, even though your lungs burn and your legs ache.

Run, even though you heart bursts and your side cramps.

This is a dream. I am not here, not really.

This is a dream.

Dark trips again.

He tries to get to his feet. His legs, traitors that they are, collapse.

He tries to crawl, but there is no strength in his arms.

He falls on his side and lays there panting.

This is a dream. A dream.

A dream.

– – – – –

Where is the Other? He ran in this direction, but the sound of his footsteps have ceased.

Maybe he has stopped for a rest. Maybe, this way, I will catch up. But he wears the black of the Void, the non-existent shadows of the Void. The Other wears these shadows like a cloak. If the Other unfolds his wings of darkness, he would blend into the Void and I will never find him again.

I must find him before then. I must.

Brilliant white wings materialize out of nothing. Shimmering feathers flutter and shiver with movement as the white wings reach out and, with one strong flap, lift the white-robed figure into the air.

– – – – –

Wing beats. Something on wings is coming.

Dark tries to climb to his feet. He tries to flee from the wings. He tries and tries.

He collapses each time and fails to move more than a meter.

“Dark! Where are you? Dark!”

He claps his hands to his ears and curls up like a baby.

Go away. Leave me alone.

Wing beats. Closer.

Dark cannot run. Neither can he hide in nothing.

He will have to pray that he will be overlooked.

Wings. Closer still.

Please. Let me wake up before I am found.

Let me wake up and find that this is all a dream.

Please.

Dark still has not opened his eyes.

– – – – –

White wings flap as hard as they can, hauling their master through the Void with great speed. Desperation twists the face of the master of the white wings, fear burns in his mind, and despair wrings at his heart.

Where is he? Where is the Other? What if he vanishes again? What if the Other disappears and leaves me here alone again?

Hands clench into fists, eyes blink away tears, and wings beat the air at a quicker tempo. “Dark!” he cries. “Where are you? Dark!”

His voice flies into the Void, flies far and away. There is nothing in the Void to distort the sound, or absorb it, or drown it out. Nothing to return an echo.

But there is an echo. A strange echo. A soft whisper of a sound, like the sound of a pair of hands clapping over a pair of ears.

Wings paddle franticly at the air, ghosting their master in the direction that strange echo had come from.

– – – – –

Wings. The sound of wings above him.

Dark hugs tighter to the ground, willing the shadows to hide him.

What shadows? There are no shadows here.

There are always shadows. Where there is light, there is shade, and light is everywhere.

Not here, Dark. Not here. There is no shade here, because there is no light. There is no light and there is no shadow.

There is nowhere for you to hide.

The thump of a pair of feet landing on the ground. The rustle of wings as they are stretched and folded. The whisper of clothes as they are gently straightened.

Dark whimpers in fear.

Please, let me out of here.

– – – – –

There! There he is! Curled like a baby, hands over his ears.

White wings flap gently once more, then settles their master on the ground beside the Other.

He stares down at the Other from where he stands, wonder and despair raging in his heart and flickering across his face. He is here. He is here at last. But he runs. He will run and run from me. He tries to wish himself away even now. What can I do to make him stay with me forever?

The memory from before resurfaces, rises in his thoughts. Bruised lips pressed against soft skin. Warm breath brushed across a sensitive ear. Rough tongue rasped over an exposed throat. Gentle fingers lightly danced over smooth flesh.

He kneels down on the ground beside the Other and bends down, leaning over him. Careful to touch him nowhere else, he presses his lips gently against the Other’s forehead.

The Other cries out, as if the gentle touch had burned, and flinches backward, eyes squeezed tighter.

Before the Other can escape, white wings leap outward, creating a curved ceiling that closes down around the only two creatures the Darkness. The Other writhes and whimpers when the feathers brush his shoulder.

“Hush.” His fingers reach toward the Other’s wrists, closing around them with an iron grip. “It’ll be alright.” He bends even closer to the still struggling Other and presses his lips against the Other’s.

– – – – –

“Hush,” says the voice of the Abyss. “It’ll be alright.”

But it isn’t alright, Dark wants to say. It isn’t. The Darkness that has no Shadows has caged me. The Void that has no Light has taken hold of my hands. I am trapped.

I am trapped and it is no dream. Please, let me go. Let me go back into the world where Light shines and I have shadows to hide in. Please …

Then something warm, something … bright … presses against his lips and, startled, Dark opens his eyes for the first time.

Expecting Darkness, he sees Light.

Expecting Void, he sees Life.

Expecting a monster, he sees …

“Krad,” he murmurs against the lips still pressed against his own.

Krad pulls back a little, eyes widening in what Dark thought might be surprise. “Dark,” he whispers, and Dark shivers slightly at the way Krad’s voice seems to caress his name.

His vision blurs and he feels a sudden burning behind his eyes. “Krad,” he cries, as the tears overflows from his eyes. He tries franticly to blink them out of the way.

“Yes, Dark. It’s me.” Dark cannot see Krad’s smile nor the tears that must be filling Krad’s eyes, but he can hear both in Krad’s voice.

When Krad’s hands released Dark’s wrists, Dark did not squirm away. When Krad’s fingers ran through Dark’s hair, Dark did not knock them away. When Krad bent down to kiss him again, Dark kissed back, smiling all the while.

– – – – –

He is here. He is here and he no longer runs from me.

He smiles for me, and I smile for him.

He lets me touch him and he touches me.

We are together and we are happy.

We will be together forever.

– – – – –

Between the comforting Light of Life and the burningly bright Light of Death, there is a Void. In this Void, there is supposed to be Emptiness, Darkness, Nothingness. In this Void, nothing is supposed to exist.

But when has anything in this world or the next ever gone the way it was supposed to?

Two creatures there are who dwell in this Void; one the embodiment of Light, the other the incarnation of Dark. Sometimes the two wander the Void in a daze of happiness, hardly able to keep their hands off each other. Sometimes they each spread a pair of wings and spend hours frolicking through the air. Sometimes they merely sit back-to-back, leaning against each other, quietly reassured by the solid presence of the other. But most of their time is spent upon a cushion of soft black feathers and beneath the cover of a set of bright shining wings, kissing and touching, smiling and crying.

Out of sheer loneliness and fear of the Void, they cling to each other. For what is Light in a place without Dark? What is Dark in a place without Light?

Go to PART 1.

DNAngel Story #8: Darkest Fear and Deepest Despair (Part 1)

2007-09-20T20:18:06Z

This is in two parts because livejournal apparently has something against entries with 5000+ words.

Title: Darkest Fear and Deepest Despair (Part 1)
Fandom: DNAngel
Characters: Krad, Dark, Daiki, OC
Prompt: 098: Vulnerable
Word Count: 5241
Rating: PG
Warnings / Spoilers: OOC. (I shouldn’t really have to say this any more, should I? You guys already know that. ^_^)
Summary: What happens between incarnations? Do Dark and Krad meet in that Darkness beyond life and before death? Do they do battle or do they keep all of that here in this world?

Go to Part 2

Between the comforting Light of Life and the burningly bright Light of Death, there is a Void. A dark Abyss – or maybe a bright Abyss, who knows? The Outer Space of the world of Life is black as pitch, yet it is so filled with light that everything is illuminated to some degree. The same goes for the Void – it is black, with nothing native to it to be illuminated, but anything of color that slips into it is visible as a bright object lit from all sides, with no chance of finding a shadow.

There is one such object there in that Darkness now, one small humanoid figure. He is dressed in simple elegant robes of gold-trimmed white. His long hair is a pale yellow-gold almost the same shade as the gold on his robes. His skin is as pale as porcelain, nearly as white as his spotless robes.

This humanoid creature lies on his back, his amber eyes closed against the bright darkness, the nothingness of this realm. Why open his eyes at all, when there is nothing to see but himself? There had been another, once upon a time. Another creature who roamed the Abyss. Someone else to look on, someone else with whom he could speak. But that Other had left the Abyss a long, long time ago.

The humanoid figure slowly turns over onto his side. He curls like a baby, knees tucked to his chest, arms wrapped around his head. Wings materialize out of his back, stretching to wrap around his body like a blanket.

Blankets. He could remember blankets. Thick, soft, protective, a comforting barrier between himself and the darkness where nightmares prowled like starved man-eating lions.

There are no nightmares, no monsters, no lions here in this abyss. He found that out long ago. There is nothing here, nothing at all. In all the time that he has spent wandering the Void, he has seen only himself and that Other.

He remembers vaguely another time when the Other had disappeared. He remembers wandering the Void, searching fruitlessly for the Other, calling for the Other, weeping for the loss of his only companion. But the Other had returned, in the end. The Other had come back.

And the Other will come back again. He knows that his only friend will come back.

Plop. The sound of a drop of liquid falling into a puddle of the same.

His hands slide over to cover his face. The wings tighten around their master’s trembling body.

He will come back.

Plop. Plop.

He will.

– – – – –

Daiki was one of those people who accepted life for what it was, accepted his place in the whole scheme of the world, and just went along with everything. He did not question his lot in life, he never doubted his path. Unusual for a human, to never ask ‘why’.

This was the reason Dark was surprised when, one night, long after he should have been asleep, Daiki said, “Why do you have to leave?”

Dark, thrown off-balance, scrambled for an answer. Uh … Well … um …just because, he said lamely, as he scrambled to get his wits together.

“But why?”

Dark scrabbled at his memory. What was the answer he had always used when the Niwa boys had asked him that question? It might have to do with the spells that created us, separated us, and melded us with your bloodline. I do not know exactly how it works. Which was a lie. Dark might not know exactly how or why he was pulled into the Darkness beyond Life, but he knew that it had nothing to do with the spells

“Alright,” Daiki said. A pause. “What happens to you when you leave?”

Dark wondered vaguely where all these questions were leading to. Nothing very exciting, he lied smoothly. My mind gets shunted off into a cozy little spot between Life and Death and I go to sleep and wait for the Niwa to wake me again. Yeah right. If only the reality was as harmless as that.

Daiki frowned. “Really?” he said skeptically. “If it’s just that, then why are you so scared of going?”

Dark froze. How does he know? How does he know that I fear that time I must spend in the Void?

Daiki, sensitive soul that he was, felt Dark’s confusion. “Well, it wasn’t all that hard to figure out, Dark,” he said. “You keep preventing me from being around the one I love, which effectively keeps me from talking to her and telling her the secret and making her fall in love with me. Which means that you will have just that much more time to stay.”

Dark hadn’t known that Daiki was so perceptive. But then, most of the Niwas managed to figure it out sooner or later. Why not Daiki? You’re right, Dark said. I’m afraid of the Void.

“Why are you afraid?” Daiki asked. “What is it about the Void that scares you?”

Dark hesitated. What is it about the Void that scares me? Everything, alright? Everything. Everything and Nothing. Because even though I forget what happens in the Void when I am reborn into another Niwa – forget like one forgets a dream upon awakening – I still remember what the Void is. I still remember that nothing exists in the Void. Nothing is supposed to exist in the Void – not light, not life, not anything at all. I am afraid of the nothingness in the Void. I am afraid because I am made for shadows and there can be no shadows in a place where there is no light. There might be Darkness in a place without light, but I was made for the shadows cast by light, not true Darkness.

“Dark?” Daiki’s voice suddenly pulled Dark back from his circling thoughts.

It is the Void, Dark said softly, sadly. It is the Void and that is more than enough reason to fear it.

“The Void,” Daiki said pensively. “Why do you call it the Void?”

Because there is nothing in it. Not air, not dirt, not light nor life nor a single person to talk to.

“Oh.” A pause. “No wonder you don’t want to go back there.”

No wonder, Dark repeated after Daiki. But there was more that Dark had not said. He did not fear the Void merely because it was empty. He feared too the part of the Void that he could not remember. I am afraid of the Unknown, just like everyone else. I am afraid of the part of the Void that I know is there, the part that I know is waiting for me, the part that I cannot for life the life of me remember.

“What if we could figure out a way to keep you here?” Daiki said suddenly.

Dark spent a moment staring incredulously at Daiki before saying, Impossible. Every generation of Niwa has tried. And they have all failed.

“Aw, c’mon Dark!” Daiki cried. “That’s giving up! How do you know that I won’t find the way?”

Daiki, this isn’t going to w–

“I’m sure there are sections of the Niwa files that nobody’s touched in centuries! Some of it might be useful!”

Daiki, I was the one who started that collec–

“If we work at it, we might even find a solution within a year!”

Daiki, there is nothing in the Niwa fi–

“And if I spend as little time around Sasako as possible, then we won’t have to worry about you leaving ahead of time!”

Daiki –

“Stop fussing, Dark!” Daiki said cheerfully as he scrambled out of bed. “Dad and I’ll think up something – you won’t ever have to go back into the Void again!” And Daiki was out the door and down the hall in his parents’ room, shaking them awake.

Dark spent half a second wondering if it was worth the effort to talk some sense into the boy. After all, he was proposing to dig into the extensive and confusing mess that consisted of the Niwa files – a mess that Dark knew from long and painful experience was impossible to sort through or find anything in. There were also the myriads of traps and spells that generation after generation of Niwas had placed as protection on their precious dung heap of papers, but Dark figured that since he was with Daiki, the boy would be fine. And even if the boy found anything useful, it was doubtful that it would work – the world had a way of forcing Dark to leave, no matter what the boy he inhabited wished or did – no matter what Dark himself wished or did.

“Dad! Dad! Wake up! Dark and I just had this awesome idea!”

No. Not worth it. Definitely not worth the effort. Nothing I say will ever convince that boy that it is better to leave it be. And what does it matter? After all, nothing you do will make any difference at all.

And who knows? Maybe Daiki really will find the cure after all.

– – – – –

There are times when he wonders if the Other is real. There are times when he wonders if the Other is a figment of his imagination, just like the place he imagines lies outside the Void. This place has colors, and creatures, of every kind, of every form, of every hue. This place has people – both like and unlike himself and the Other. It is filled with noise and happiness and everyone lives in Light.

There are times when he can almost convince himself that such a place exists and he wanders the Void, searching for it. The same way he sometimes searches for the Other.

Sometimes he finds himself in that Place. Sometimes he finds the Other hiding in some part of the Void. That doesn’t mean either really exists.

All it means is that he is very good at fooling himself. At convincing himself that all of that is real. At imagining it all to the point where his mind projects it onto the Void itself.

That’s all it means.

– – – – –

Dark laughed almost maniacally when he landed in one of the back alleys of Azumono. The painting he clutched with one hand was one he had just lifted from the display case in the city museum. The heist had gone beautifully, with crowds cheering and Rio Hikari practically screaming with frustration. It had been fun.

Fun. It had been fun to prance before the adoring crowds of fan girls. Fun to set off all of Rio Hikari’s traps without falling into them. Fun to trap Rio Hikari in one of her own traps. Fun to take the painting and wave it practically in her face, teasing her.

Fun to even get out and stand under the light of the moon again. Fun to breathe deeply of crisp night air untainted by ancient dust and dangerous spells.

Dark felt his euphoria die away. Daiki had hardly left the house over the past six months, except to go to school. Every free moment was spent deep in the cavernous basement, digging through the Niwa files, searching franticly for something, anything that could provide a clue to a way to keep Dark from leaving. Even now, Dark could hear Daiki lamenting silently over the ‘waste of time’, silently complaining that he should be spending every second of his waking life down in that basement searching.

Shut up, Dark snapped. Your body needs the exercise and the fresh air. It’s pointless to save me from the Void only to have to send me right into it when you die of exhaustion and lack of sun.

You shut up, Daiki retorted. I’m doing this for you, but you’re more hinder than help!

Dark shook his head. Idiot, was all he could say.

The night before, Daiki had found the schematics of the spell that bound Dark to the Niwa bloodline. The boy had spent hours pouring over the diagrams and ancient wording and had practically screamed his lungs out with frustration when he finally figured out that the spell was not the source of Dark’s problem. The boy had been all set to dive straight back into the basement to begin his search again when Dark quite literally hauled the boy outside for some fresh air and an impromptu drop-off of a warning notice at the police station.

That was the extent of Daiki’s out-of-school life over the past six months. He had essentially ditched all his friends, ignored almost all of his homework, and avoided various ‘distractions’ such as food and sleep as much as he could. Daiki would have even ditched school if his father and Dark had let him.

It wasn’t that Dark didn’t want to stay, it wasn’t as if he wanted to go into the Void. But …

After six months of spending nearly all his waking life among old texts and old spells, Daiki had become pale as snow, thin as a rail, and weak as an over cooked noodle. Dark had had to be very careful not to overexert the body of his tamer during the heist, for fear of using up all the energy left in the boy.

“Daiki!” called a voice suddenly from behind Dark.

Dark whirled to look over his shoulder – and he felt the blood drain out of his face. How – how could she know?

“Come out here, Dark, Daiki, or whoever you are!” cried the girl standing at the entrance of the alleyway. “Come out here right now!”

As worried as he was about his tamer’s sanity and safety, Dark did not fight Daiki when the boy forced his way into the pilot’s seat, forcing the transformation. I don’t know how Sasako found out, Daiki said silently, but I’m not going to let her ruin our plans.

The moment Daiki stepped from the shadows of the alleyway, Sasako pounced. She leapt at him, almost knocking Daisuke to the ground. “I know about it,” sobbed the girl.

If Dark had a heart, it would have frozen. If Dark had a body, it would have stiffened. If Dark had a pair of hands and a pair of legs, then he would have pushed the girl away and fled. But if Dark had all those, then he would not have needed to fear, would he?

Instead, since he had no body of his own, Dark could only watch in involuntary paralysis as Daiki held the weeping girl, supporting her, helping her stand.

The girl was still babbling. “I know all about it, Daiki. I’ve known ever since the beginning.”

Daiki, flustered and weak as he was, did not understand immediately what Sasako was talking about. But when he did, Dark could feel his panic, a panic that was almost as strong as Dark’s own. “No,” he told the girl franticly. “No, you mustn’t say it!”

But Sasako, Dark saw, was past caring. “I love you, Daiki,” she said, eyes overflowing with tears. The light from the thin, dying moon seemed to collect in those tears and make Sasako’s eyes shine forth as bright as the moon would have if it had been full.

Daiki seemed caught in a kind of paralysis as well – Dark could feel him willing himself to move, to flee. But his body did not respond. Dark reached to try to take over Daiki’s body, reached and could not grab hold.

“I love you, Daiki,” said Sasako again.

Dark scrabbled franticly at Daiki’s mind. Move, he cried. Run! But Dark heard his voice, his words, stretch and twist and tie itself in knots and bend back on itself. The words, the thought, it would never reach Daiki. Dark knew it – his connection with his tamer was stretching – like a piece of gum being pulled gently, slowly, inexorably, from both sides – thinning, fading – like the middle section of a piece of gum being stretched. And soon, Dark knew, the connection would be pulled apart.

“I love you, Daiki – all of you, even that part of you that is Dark. I love you.”

NO! Dark screamed. He clung as hard as he could to Daiki and the sensations of the world he was being torn from. The feel of the girl’s hair on Daiki’s skin. The scent of the girl’s light perfume. The sound of the girl’s hiccupping sobs. And the sight of the twin moons that had replaced the girl’s eyes.

Slowly, one by one, Dark lost the sensations of touch, then smell, then sound. Finally, all that was left was the sight of the girl’s face, a view that shrank and retreated down a long tunnel of nothingness, until the only thing Dark could see was the light from the girl’s moonstruck tears. When that last sight disappeared too, the world trembled, then quaked, then shattered into a thousand pieces.

Dark closed his eyes against the nothingness and screamed.

– – – – –

There is a ripple through the Void.

The humanoid figure leaps to his feet. He forces his eyes to open, eyes that have not been open for so long that they have almost forgotten their function. The blackness of the Void presses against his eyeballs, seeming to try to quash the surge of hope that he feels.

Hope. It is a feeling his heart has nearly forgotten. He remembers it now, because he remembers something else – ripples in the Abyss always happen just before the Place appears around him, or just before the Other comes back.

He waits for a count of five. The Place does not materialize out of nothing.

That means the Other is here. Somewhere in this Void, the Other is waiting, eyes shut, hands clenched, head bowed, waiting for him to come, waiting for someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone with which to spend eternity.

“Talk,” he croaked in an unused voice. “Laugh.” He has almost forgotten that he can do such things with his voice, his tongue, his lips. Indeed, he had forgotten language completely until this moment.

A word, a precious, treasured word, comes to the surface of his mind. His hoarse, scratchy, unused throat clears the moment he speaks that cleansing word – “Dark,” he whispers, the image of the Other in his mind.

Yes, the meaning of that word is blackness, Void, Abyss, but the meaning of that word is also the Other.

Dazed with hope and remembrance, he searched the Darkness for the Other, whose name was Dark.

Go to Part 2

Family Politics / Dysfunction

2007-07-29T03:26:32Z

My parents have large families. Dad has three sisters and two brothers. Mom has three brothers and three sisters. I’ve often wondered how their parents managed to keep them happy for the twenty, thirty years they had to spend raising six, seven kids. How it must be like to have so many siblings. Must be nice, to have so many people to play with, to talk to, to love you.

Well, I don’t wonder anymore. I know that I don’t want to have that many siblings – because according to my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side, it is HELL.

1. The Issue of the Borrowed Cell Phone

Aunt 2* (I’m sparing their names) once lent her cell phone to Uncle 2. Uncle 2 kept the cell phone (and used it, running up a bill of NT$1000, about US$30, per month) for two years. Aunt 2, seeing that the bill wasn’t a whole lot, paid it every month with a shrug. After all, what’s $30 between siblings?

Well, then, Uncle 2 made the mistake of giving this cell phone to his girlfriend. Who he was going to have to break up with because his wedding to another girl was already in the planning stages. The moment Aunt 2 heard about this, she blew up. After all, it was a cell phone listed under her name, and she would have to pay all the bills that came of it. Between family, she was willing to do it, but for a stranger? No way. She demanded that she have her cell phone back.

In an effort to calm down his sister (and also to save his dignity from having to take back something he gave), Uncle 2 said to Aunt 2 that he would buy the cell phone, how much did she want for it, name any price at all. Like that would help the situation any! She’d still have to pay the bills wouldn’t she? And if the girlfriend ran up a bill of NT$10,000 (US$300), Aunt 2 would either have to pay the bill or have her other phone services cut off. Aunt 2 ended up giving both Uncle 2 and his girlfriend a talking to – a loud and angry lecture, I heard – before the girlfriend handed over the phone.

2. Come On Over! (NOT!)

Some time ago, Uncle 2 had been traveling in mainland China, for business purposes (or maybe he had a house there or was going to school there or something, I wasn’t really paying attention). He had no house or place of residence in Taipei, where the rest of the family lives, so when he decided to go home and visit everyone, Uncle 3 was kind enough to offer to take him in. In fact, Uncle 3 reportedly said something along the lines of “Come on over! Don’t worry about anything, just come on! You can stay at my place for as long as you like!”

Uncle 2, happy that everything was arranged, packed his stuff, bought his ticket, and, the day before he got on his plane, called Uncle 3 to determine when Uncle 3 was going to pick him up from the airport. Uncle 3 did not pick up his phone.

Slightly worried, but still confident, Uncle 2 boarded his plane and came to Taipei. At the airport, when his plane landed, he called Uncle 3 again. No answer. Uncle 2 picked up his luggage, then called Uncle 3 again. No answer.

He finally gave up and called Aunt 3, and ended up staying at her place.

Doesn’t sound very serious, does it? Until you realize that Uncle 3 was deliberately ignoring the phone and was all set to let his older brother camp at the airport.

3. Pay What You Owe, Whether You Really Owe It or Not

Uncle 3, at one time, lived with Aunt 2, because he did not have a house (or sold his apartment or something – wasn’t paying much attention to this part). He stayed with Aunt 2 for about 8 months. When he moved out, he apparently began telling Uncle 1, Uncle 2, and Aunt 3 that Aunt 2 owes him some large sum of money. A sum of money that Aunt 2 did not return to him, even though he stayed at her house for 8 months!

Throughout all of those 8 months, Uncle 3 had said not a word about Aunt 2 owing him money. Not a word. Then he goes and claims – to everyone except Aunt 2 – that Aunt 2 owes him money that she refused to pay. So Aunt 3, Uncle 2, and Uncle 1 all began to harangue Aunt 2 for not paying her debt to Uncle 3.

According to Aunt 2, she did not owe Uncle 3 any money at all, and even if she did, the living expenses of those 8 months Uncle 3 spent living in her apartment should have repaid a debt of that size.

Petty fighting, but quite a hassle, when every member of your family comes after you like that, for something that isn’t true at all.

And these are only the first few things my aunt (Aunt 2) and my mom talked about today regarding the family in Taiwan. I think they’re still going on about other instances where one wronged the other, two and a half hours after I stopped listening and started typing.

Just thinking about how many petty arguments my aunts and uncles come up with makes me pray that my sister and me will be different when we grow up. That we’ll be more like my relatives on my dad’s side, who all seem to get along no matter what.

How my aunts and uncles on my dad’s side manage to do so, however, is beyond me.

* Most of my parents’ families live in Taiwan. My Dad and his eldest sister both live here in US. My mother and her eldest sister (Aunt 1) live in the US as well. Everybody else lives in Taiwan, in and around Taipei, Taiwan’s capital.

SCRENZY!!!

2007-06-06T06:49:18Z

SCRIPT FRENZY!!
TOTAL MOVIESCRIPT MADNESS!!
SPEND THE WHOLE MONTH OF JUNE TRYING FRANTICALLY TO FINISH WRITING 20,000 WORDS OF A SCRIPT!!

(Yeah ... I'm a little late for this, but my internet modem was being really stupid, so I couldn't get on livejournal.)
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Day 5 has just ended and I am ahead of schedule: Almost 4K words!!!

I am so hyped up about this, its practically all I can talk about to my friends - I'm ahead! And I'm surviving! I'm succeeding!!

Just ignore the fact that I'm going to be winging my finals next week ... and the summer camp my mother signed me up for that will last from June 24 to July 14 ...
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Anyone else involved in this madness?